#[ HOW CAN ANYONE SAY NO TO NNOI WHEN HE GOES ALL OUT LIKE THAT ]

[despairforme]

@grimmjxw​ ( even if Grimmjow is only in this by mention,  but it is for their verse so yeah ) ,, drabble. 

     As he made his way up the driveway to the house where his mother and step-father lived, he thought this felt surprisingly easy. Even if he supposed his mother was a stranger to him now, he wasn’t nervous about this. It would probably be awkward as hell, and maybe even a little sad, but none of that mattered. If there was even a tiny chance that she could help him out, then he would do anything to make that happen. It was simple math, really ( simple enough for even an idiot like Nnoitra to figure it out ) - if he didn’t do this, he wouldn't have done everything he could for Grimmjow. His boyfriend deserved someone who did THEIR BEST, and that was exactly what Nnoitra was trying to do. Really, he’d always had an inferiority complex with Grimmjow, feeling like he wasn’t good enough, so now that it really mattered, he was not going to do anything less than his FUCKING BEST.

     The second he knocked on the door ( there was a bell there, but he overlooked it ), a punch of sudden anxiety hit him. He was assuming that even after all these years, none of his mother or his step-father’s habits had changed. He was assuming that HE was at work, while his mother had gotten home before him. He sure as hell wasn’t here to see him, so what was he going to do if it wasn’t his mother who opened the door? Hell, did they even live here? What if they had moved? Why the fuck hadn’t he thought about this?

     Before he could leave or really do anything other than stand there with a worried expression on his face, the door was opened. The woman was none other than his mother. The anxiety faded to a light nervousness, but he still felt far more uncomfortable than he had anticipated. 

     ❝ Mom. ❞ It had been so long since he’d spoken to her, and he had a hard time even looking at her right now. Still, he forced his gaze to stay on her. She looked a bit older since the last time he saw her. YEARS ago. There was a small hint of grey to a few hairs by her temples. Her expression was nothing short of SHOCK. Nnoitra couldn’t blame her. A part of him ( a very big part of him ) wanted her to hug him. Not surprisingly, that didn’t happen. She just remained in the doorway, staring at him like she was wondering whether or not he was real. Her eyes, Nnoitra noticed, rested on his eyepatch. For a moment, he wondered if she was just going to close the door in his face. That would be what he deserved, he supposed, since he really should’ve done better by her. Not that he really regretted how things had turned out between them, since it wasn’t HIS fault. But, neither did he blame her. It was all his step-father’s fault, and it she wasn’t to blame for loving him. Nnoitra also knew he hadn’t needed to cut off all ties with her after moving out of the house. Yeah, he’d been kicked out, in a way, but he could’ve still tried to get back in touch with her. Maybe... Called her on Christmas Eve or some shit like that. Yeah, there were a lot of things he could’ve done, rather than just fucking showing up on her doorsteps totally unannounced. But... Yeah - he was here now, and they would BOTH just have to deal with that.

     Then, her arms stretched out. She was a lot smaller than him, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t reach. And soon, he found himself in that embrace he’d wanted so badly. 

     ❝ Nnoitra. ❞

     She was holding him pretty tightly, like she thought he would disappear if she let go. Nnoitra got the feeling of having been missed, and now, guilt was starting to bloom within him. A thick swallow followed, and to try and fight off that growing bad feeling, he hugged her back. She smelled like spices from cooking, a faint perfume too, maybe, and just... His childhood. Nostalgia was the next thing to hit him, and then, he thought that he was really glad he came here, regardless of what the outcome of his visit would be.

     How long did the hug last? He wasn’t sure. It was a while, definitely. When they let each other go again, she quickly wiped away tears. Ah... He’d made his mom cry. He knew it wasn’t the first time. A silence followed now. ❝ Please, come in. ❞ She was the one to break it, and she gestured for him to follow her into the house. He did as bid, and pulled off his worn out boots once inside. She was looking at him the entire time, and Nnoitra found that he didn’t mind. ❝ Would you like something to eat? ❞ Yeah, he’d noticed the smell of something freshly baked. ❝ I just baked a bread. Would you like a slice with some... Butter and jam, maybe? ❞ Nnoitra remembered he’d always enjoyed eating jam when he was a kid, having had a somewhat childish taste. Again, he swallowed, before nodding. Damn, he just... Didn’t know what to say. To realize that he couldn’t even say ‘ yeah, thanks ‘, to his own mother was a bit scary. However, she didn’t look put off by his silence at all. Strange, that even after all this time, she still knew him. She knew he could be a bit socially awkward.

     He followed her to the kitchen, where the scent of that bread was even stronger, and yeah, now he was definitely hungry. He was served four large slices of bread, with a lot of jam. Whenever they ate this at home, Nnoitra would always use a thin layer of jam, to make the jar last longer. How different it was, to be back where he’d grown up. Speaking of ‘ different ‘, it didn’t look like much had changed. As far as he could see, the walls were still the same colours, and the pictures hanging on them hadn’t been switched out either. His mother still kept a ‘ to-do-list ‘ on the fridge. Oh, and once he’d taken a bite of the food, he could say that she was also still very good at making bread. She let him eat the entire first piece before she spoke, and Nnoitra was SO grateful for that. It gave him some time to pull himself the fuck together.

     ❝ How have you been? ❞ She asked. Nnoitra had figured out that she would ask him that, so he was somewhat prepared to answer.

     ❝ Good. ❞ What a BRILLIANT answer that was! He could’ve punched himself in the face... For fuck’s sake. If he wanted her money, he’d have to do a hell of a lot better than that. That made him a bit sad. To admit that the only reason why he had gone to see his own mother was to get her to give him some financial means. That guilt faded soon enough though, since he was reminded that this was all for Grimmjow. No feeling could compare to the prospects of LOSING him.

     ❝ I see. I’m glad. ❞ The conversation was turning a bit awkward now, wasn’t it? Nnoitra knew it was his fault, but he didn’t know how to fix it. ❝ What happened to your eye? ❞ Her voice was softer than he remembered, wasn’t it? He’d guessed she would inquire about his eye too ( people often did ). It was a good thing that she’d asked, since Nnoitra didn’t have a problem talking about it.

     ❝ Accident. ❞ GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Why couldn’t he just talk to her? Nnoitra took another bite of the bread and chewed. The taste had died down in his mouth, and he just felt bad. He was thinking that if he’d stayed in contact with her, then everything would’ve been better for them both. He’d thought he didn’t blame himself for this, but now that he was here... He realized that he did. Great. One more thing for him to feel shitty about. A glance over at her told him that she was waiting for him to say something more. Yeah, she was pushing him just a bit. She knew he needed it. ❝ So it’s blind now. ❞ That was pretty obvious, wasn’t it? Otherwise he wouldn’t have been wearing the fucking eyepatch. He should try to say... Something more. ❝ It happened at a construction site. ‘Daz where I work. With construction. Ya know like... Buildin’ shit ‘n stuff. ❞ The longest sentence he’d managed so far, and the subject was so trivial. It was what strangers would talk about - work. He couldn’t decide if that was a good or a bad thing.

     ❝ Oh, so you have a job? ❞ She was smiling now, and it didn’t sound like she was looking down on him.

     ❝ Yeah, they let me keep it, even after... ❞ He gestured towards his bad eye, and took another bite. The tension was lifting, and it was such a relief. He felt like it became easier to breathe.

     ❝ That’s good. ❞ She was still smiling, but slowly, the smile faded. Nnoitra didn’t understand why. A new silence fell between them. It looked like his mother wanted to say something, but didn’t know HOW to say it. It could be a million different things, and all Nnoitra could do was wait, while trying to look like he was open for questions or... Yeah, whatever it was she wanted to say to him. ❝ And you’re still...? ❞ There was so much hesitation in her voice. The question didn’t make ANY sense to Nnoitra. He was still what? His confused look must’ve given away that he didn’t understand her. ❝ You know... ❞ No, that was the problem - he didn’t know. Was he still that reckless teenager? Well, he was hardly a teen anymore, and since he spent all his time at work, it wasn’t like he had any opportunities to be ‘ reckless ‘ ( or even have fun ). He realized what she was getting at the same second she said it: ❝ With him? ❞

     Nnoitra didn’t think he’d ever felt that disappointed in his life. There was pure accusation in her voice, and he realized what she’d been thinking all this time. She thought he had CHANGED. That he ( in her mind ) had ‘ come to his senses ‘, and left Grimmjow, and that that was the reason why he was here. For a fucking family reunion where she could be ‘ right ‘ about him choosing the wrong path. Nnoitra dropped the piece of bread he was holding right down on the plate. He was angry, and she’d be an idiot if she couldn’t tell.

     ❝ With GRIMMJOW, yeah, I am. Got a fuckin’ problem with that? ❞ Nnoitra had never been ‘ diplomatic ‘, and what little skills in that area he possessed, were completely lost when he was angry. That hoarse voice of his took on a spitefulness that he really should not be using against his own mother, but fuck it - he couldn’t help it. ❝ So ‘daz what’s been up these years, huh? That fuckin’ asshole has just been tellin’ ya all that shit ‘bout me livin’ in sin or whateva’? That I’mma go ‘ta hell? ‘S that why ya ain’t never tried ‘ta get in contact with me? ❞ His anger was easily fighting off whatever nervousness he’d been harboring prior to her ruining this whole ‘ reunion ‘. He hadn’t been raising his voice all that much, but still, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, and his pulse was hammering away in his ears. When she didn’t reply, he realized that he was right. She STILL believed all that crap.  ❝ I don’t fuckin’ get it... ❞ CALM DOWN. Really, he needed to calm the fuck down. He tried to remember why he was here in the first place: Grimmjow. If he kept this up, he was going to ruin every chance he might have at getting some money for his boyfriend’s treatment. ❝ Is me bein’ happy with someone really such a bad thing? ❞

     The silence that now followed was heavy. The only thing that could be heard was Nnoitra’s breathing. He wondered what her answer would be.

     ❝ Are you happy? ❞

     The question hit him like a truck. Simply because it brought forth ALL his fears. The answer was: no. He was NEVER going to be happy when Grimmjow was suffering, and, right now, it looked like the only way his suffering was going to end was with his death, and there was no fucking way Nnoitra could ever feel anything GOOD ever again if he didn’t have his boyfriend by his side. Nnoitra was so scared of losing him, and when the fear managed to get this close to him, he almost felt dizzy.

     ❝ No... ❞ He whispered, fearing that his voice would crack if he chose to raise it. ❝ No, I ain’t. I can’t be, ‘cause Grimmjow’s sick. He’d dyin’. ‘N I... Can’t get ‘da money ‘fer his treatment in time ‘cause I’m fuckin’ useless ‘n--- I just love him SO FUCKIN’ MUCH--- ❞ There, a voice crack. ❝ ‘N if I can’t be with him I might as well fuckin’ die, ‘cause there ain’t nobody like him. I was so fuckin’ happy. Ya know? ‘Da sorta happy when ya wonder if it’s even real. ‘N now, I hardly even get ‘ta see him, ‘cause I work all ‘da hours my job will gimme, ‘ta try ‘n get ‘da money. ‘Cause I just... Wanna keep him with me ‘fer as long as possible. No matter what it takes I just can’t fuckin’ lose him! ❞ All of Nnoitra’s words just tumbled out of his mouth. He was not the sort of person who would pour his heart out to someone, but there was no stopping the flood of emotions that had managed to transform themselves into words. He needed to get them out or he might implode. ❝ So I fuckin’ came here like some piece ‘a shit ‘ta ask ya ‘fer money, even if I know I don’t deserve shit, but Grimmjow deserves it! He so fuckin’ does! He deserves so much better than ‘da shit life I give him. If I was better, I would’a had ha better job ‘n more money, ‘n he could’a already gotten his treatment, instead ‘a lyin’ sick in bed with only a kitten ‘fer company! I know I don’t deserve no help from ya, ‘n that it’s fuckin’ my fault that I didn’t even call ya ‘fer Christmas or nothin’ like tha’, but, please!  ❞ Breathe, really, he had to stop to fucking breathe. 

     ❝ Please help me! ❞ Nnoitra had never asked anyone for help in his life, but here he was, begging his mother, while looking right at her. He didn’t expect a ‘yes’. The world was not kind to him, and he had not been kind to his mom, so why should she lend him a hand now?

     Then, suddenly, like he had skipped a scene, her arms were around him once more. 

     ❝ I will. ❞ Nnoitra could hardly believe this. She was hugging him, and telling him... That there was hope? ❝ I’ll help you. ❞ He wanted to say something in return, but right now, all he could do was trying to remember how to breathe.